Hurricane

Posted: November 5, 2017 in Uncategorized

I honestly can’t name any one specific feeling to describe the chaos clouding my mind right now. Thoughts swirling and turning like a hurricane, ready to crash to the shore at any moment, destroying anything that may have once resembled a normal, happy life.

My thoughts jumble together in a mess of words that never make it past my lips… I fear the inevitable ridicule of speaking up, of trying to make sense of these thoughts before I end up dead…. So I find myself staying silent. Silent, with a hurricane raging where nobody can see.

My heart feels heavy, like a ton of bricks piled high in my chest. This storm is getting worse… The funny thing is, I’m not sure if I have enough strength to stop it anymore. Thoughts lost within the recesses of my deepest cavities, fighting to escape the waves of this hurricane, drowning before they can reach the surface… Nothing makes sense anymore. The clouds are getting dark again.

This hurricane will be the death of me.

Advertisements

Demons

Posted: September 14, 2016 in Uncategorized

Let my demons loose…. Maybe that’s what I need to do…. Maybe then, people will realize that I’m not OK. Maybe then they will realize just how deadly the thoughts in my mind really are…

Let my demons run wild… Bring out what’s been hidden behind this disguise for so long. Trust me, it’s not pretty, but it’s become so hard to keep them secret anymore.. It’s exhausting trying to act as if everything is OK, when demons are tearing you apart from the inside out… I’m losing myself, and I can’t do anything to stop it. An escape from reality would be nice, but I don’t think I would ever come back.

I’ve become well acquainted with the demons living inside me. Their voices haunt my every move. Their whispers are never far away… This grasp they have on me is suffocating, and I can’t get them to let me go.

One day, these demons might just kill me.

I’m Sorry…

Posted: July 10, 2016 in Uncategorized

I’m sorry that I’ll never be good enough for you… No matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough.
I’m sorry that I am so broken…
That I’ve been hiding behind this fake smile for so long…. Nobody deserves that.

I’m sorry that I stumble over my words when you ask me what’s wring… How can I find words when my mind is racing… It’s so hard to decipher my thoughts, let alone form coherent sentences. I’m sorry I’m so quiet… .

I’m sorry I seem so far away. I zone out when I can’t process what’s going on in my mind, and in the world around me at the same time… It’s hard to keep up when my mind won’t slow down…

I’m sorry if I am constantly so tired that I can’t keep my eyes open. I understand that I’m “not old enough to be that tired yet”… I understand that I may seem lazy… I’m sorry. Would it still be a joke if you understood why? Is it still a joke if you knew that I’m exhausted because night-time is when the demons come out to play…? Is it funny now? I spend the good part of my night awake, because the voices are so loud… The nightmares are too real.. I’m sorry I’m so exhausted…

I’m sorry that I can’t keep things tidy in the way that I would like to. Most days, it’s a chore to even get out of bed. It doesn’t seem like a huge deal to most people, but I know I’m failing, and I’m sorry…

I’m sorry that I can’t be sunshine and rainbows all the time. I know that’s what expected of me… Unfortunately, the demons can only be kept at bay for so long. I’m fighting a daily battle that nobody can see… A battle against the darkness. I’m don’t feel strong enough anymore…

I’m sorry…

Hopeless and Lost…

Posted: July 8, 2016 in Uncategorized

There are so many thoughts clouding my mind right now. I wish I knew how to tell someone all of this, without them saying that I am making it all up. That I’m just an attention whore trying to make someone feel bad for me… Do you honestly think that I want to feel this way? Like a worthless piece of shit, a waste of space… Do you really think that I would make up something so harmful? These thoughts are becoming demons again, and I am powerless to stop them… Now tell me, how is it exactly that I am just seeking attention?

The scars that lined my arms and legs may be fading now, but that doesn’t take away any of the pain associated with them…

Why do people have to be so judgmental of others? What gives them the right to speak so harshly before really understanding anything? Do people understand how much their words can damage someone?

I don’t know why I have been so lost lately… None of my thoughts make any sense. Everything is jumbled into one big mess….

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to fail.. Lately I have been so tongue-tied, there doesn’t seem to be any point in trying to explain things anymore. Nobody is going to believe me (or care) anyways. Honestly, I should be used to it… Nobody takes me seriously.

“It’s all in your head”, “It’s not that bad, you’re overreacting”, “You just need to be happier”…

Don’t you think I’m trying? God dammit, I am trying so hard. I feel like nobody will ever take me seriously. Not until something happens.. Until I completely break down. Maybe then they will realize just how broken I’ve been for so long… But until then, I’ll plaster on that fake smile, and act like everything is fine. That’s what everyone expects me to do, right? God forbid something actually be wrong… If people understood (even just a little bit), just how exhausting it is to pretend, then maybe, just maybe they wouldn’t be so judgmental.

I’m so sick of being so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted all the time… All because of the demons in my mind. Making pretty much anything, even the smallest thing, a chore. Even I try so hard to stay above the water, I feel like I am constantly sinking.

People try to tell me to “just get over it”… I really wish it were that easy. I wish I could “just get over” the constant pain, the voices in my head telling me that I’m not good enough… God, I wish it were that easy.

I’m trying so hard to be okay.. I’m sorry I’m such a mess…

 

Runaway…

Posted: May 31, 2016 in Uncategorized

My nephew wrote a letter the other day. He and his sister were home alone while mom and dad ran an errand, and something had upset him. Why was this letter important? It was a letter telling his mom, dad, and sister that he was running away… “Don’t try to stop me”, it said. Now, my niece was able to convince him to come home (I am not sure how far he got, or if he even left the house at all)… My sister and brother-in-law may have helped a little bit via FaceTime, I am not sure…. But his letter got me thinking…

Lately, I have been wanting to run away too. It seems so much easier… Easier than dealing with the thoughts that plague my mind. Maybe running (Ok, walking to start, I’m not coordinated), can be my escape for a while. Something that takes me away from everything that I can’t deal with on my own.

I just want to feel okay again, and right now, I feel like I am anything but…

Have you ever been completely excited about something, and then given up because it all seems so pointless? Maybe that’s just me, never mind. I think P!NK’S song ‘Sober’ explains it best, honestly. “When it’s good then it’s good, it’s so good, till it goes bad. When you’re trying to find the you that you once had”… Honestly, I feel like I am more lost now than I was when I started looking for her.. Maybe that’s the problem? Maybe I need to stop looking, and just let her find me again. I don’t know anymore.

Sorry, I’ve been rambling…. Running away seems like the easiest way to deal with my problems, and the easiest way to avoid them all at the same time.  I feel like I’m not really here… not really living. Like I’m watching from the outside, but stuck on the inside at the same time. I just want to get out… I just want to run away, and if I find myself on the way to somewhere, that’s great. If not, keep running.

 

It’s Loud Here

Posted: April 28, 2016 in Uncategorized

It’s loud here lately, and I don’t know how to turn it down again. The screaming doesn’t stop, and it seems to get worse with every breath I take. The funny thing? It’s not me that’s doing the screaming anymore. It’s the voices. Beating me down, day after day…

I’m trying so hard to stand on my own two feet, but I keep getting trampled on.

Everyone keeps telling me to be positive… “Don’t let things like that get you down”, and so on. They don’t understand the mental battle I go through every morning, just to get myself out of bed and ready for the day. The battle only intensifies throughout the day, as I go about my daily tasks. Everything builds up in my mind, and usually by the end of the day, I am mentally and emotionally drained…absolutely exhausted.

It’s loud here, and I’m so tired. Tired of having to act as if everything is okay, when in reality, I am falling apart inside. The fake smile can only help for so long. But nobody can truly understand what it’s like for me, because I can never find the right words to describe it. Everything I say sounds so stupid, or completely fake… like I’m just trying to get attention.. But I’m not. I’m trying to show people that I can’t do this by myself anymore. I can’t fight anymore.
I get so lost in my own thoughts a lot of the time. The voices are so loud… And I can’t seem to get back to safety before it’s too late. Before they drag me down again…

“You’re too much”
“You’re stupid”
“Nobody loves you, why would they?”
“Everyone ends up leaving you”
“Why even try? You’re just going to fail”
“You’re disgusting”

Honestly, I am terrified. Terrified that I am not good enough for anyone. I can never do anything right, and no matter how hard I try, nothing I say or do matters. The thought of food… of eating in front of anyone…eating at all… is enough to paralyze me.. I look at myself in the mirror daily, and every time I do, I find new flaws. My body is repulsive. Everything about it… about me, is disgusting. I can’t shut off the voices. And no, I’m not crazy. I know that’s what a lot of you reading this are probably thinking… And I promise you, I’m not crazy.

Sometimes I feel so little… Like that little 9 year old girl who lost her brother is still inside somewhere. That she doesn’t understand how life works… doesn’t understand that it’s time to grow up. Hasn’t had the chance to grieve the tragedy that made her who she is today. The same tragedy that turned her life upside-down. At  the same time, I feel like she is trying to push it away… pretend like it never happened. So she can be happy, even just for a little while, while the world around her seems to be falling apart.

Lately, the thoughts, the voices have turned down a destructive path. I feel like it’s harder for me to be by myself. I don’t trust myself anymore. I feel like I just need that little bit of control back… A razor, or restricting calories… Then maybe, just maybe…everything will feel okay again.. Everything feels so out of control now…so loud. I feel like giving up a lot of the time. And those voices in my head don’t seem to argue. I’m losing the battle anyway, so why not just give up now? I don’t know how much longer I can do this by myself.

If Only

Posted: September 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

If only they could see the pain behind her smile.
The hidden battles she’s fighting every day…
If only they cared enough to see the vacant look in her eyes.
Lost deep within her thoughts.
If only they could see the scars lining her wrists..
Years of torment etched into her skin…
They’re too blind to notice.

They’ll notice when she’s gone…
When she’s finally happy, free.
That’s when they’ll remember catching the slightest glimpse of the scars…
Watching her dry her eyes, when she thought she was hidden from view….
That’s when they’ll care.
But by then, it will be too late…
Because she’s already gone.